Thursday, November 5, 2009

Five Tips for Aspie Partners

In my psychotherapy practice, I often receive referrals for couples dealing with one partner's real or suspected diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. More often than not, the partner who is frustrated and seeking therapy is the partner who has not been diagnosed.

Most of us know that adults with Asperger Syndrome (Aspies) have dramatically different ways of communicating and behaving in relationships. Some of these ways work beautifully! Some do not. If you are an adult who has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, or suspects you might have the disorder, how can you begin to navigate the foggy, unpredictable, irrational land of intimacy? Following are five tips which may provide some beginning help.

1. Don't give in to feelings of hopelessness or futility.
Adults with Asperger Syndrome can at times feel overwhelmed by frustration. There are times these adults can feel that no amount of effort on their part can ever change their ability to understand how their partner operates. This is sometimes true - no adult can ever really become an expert on their partner's perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The best strategy may be becoming an expert on yourself. This can serve as a foundation for learning new skills, having compassion for yourself and even learning to laugh at how different you and your partner may approach problems and issues.

2. Ask questions of your partner -gather as much information as you can about the situation you're facing together.
Faced with having to operate without an intuitive understanding of how your partner feels and thinks, you may rely on your logic and assumptions. This can be dangerous! Remember, your mind works differently than your partner's. A great strategy can be simply asking questions. For instance, instead of assuming that your partner is ready to end the relationship over a fight, ask for clarification. Good questions can include, "I'm wondering if you feel...." Or "Can you tell me more about that?".

3. Hold tight to the truth that your thoughts and emotions matter.

Though they may be expressed differently (or not at all!), your feelings and perceptions are valid, and are worth just as much as your partner's feelings and thoughts. This can be a difficult perspective to maintain, especially if your partner is articulate and quick. Remember, working out a problem is not a verbal jousting competition, though it can sometimes feel like one.

4. Decide how you would like to pursue and operate in relationships.

This takes thought. Do you want to connect with others? Do you experience loneliness? Do you want to increase your ability to talk about your inner world or negotiate problems? Not everyone aspires to these ways of relating. Decide for yourself if you do. If you decide to work to strengthen your connections, you may benefit from learning to monitor your "togetherness tolerance" - Aspies often are helped by frequent breaks, shorter visits, etc. Your level of need in connecting with others may differ vastly from that of your partner. This is fine, and may serve as a great balance for your relationship.

5. Find help.
Often a cliche tip, there is no substitute for consulting an expert - a communication coach, a therapist, a well-written manual. Remember that though you may have not received the understanding of relationship nuance through osmosis, like many adults, you CAN learn skills that can close the gap you may feel between your ability to relate and the abilities of others.

One last tip - don't be too quick to judge yourself harshly. Aspies often provide wonderful advantages to their relationships, such as "groundedness", logic, a refusal to become violent or aggressive, a heightened desire to do the right or moral thing, an inability to participate in the emotional "games" so many adults struggle with in relationships, in intense sensitivity buried under layers of defense. As always, self-acceptance is the best position to take as you navigate the wonderful - and sometimes terrifying - frontiers of intimacy.


Jonathan M said...

Great article. Fairly simple. I find I need things repeated to me while my partner looks somewhere other than into my eyes. This makes all the difference. For us.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I have been struggling for years with my husband and some of his particular issues. He appears to be very rigid and selfish. Sometimes he can appear rude and blunt and has extreme difficulty empathising with me. He is also very strict with his routine and has extremely high standards about the housework and schedule. This has led to many arguments if things are not done within his timescales. He is easily upset if his routine is upset in any way. Do you think I am dealing with someone with asperges? I have been reading about it, I do feel that he exhibits some signs. I could do with someone to talk to in more detail about this.

Confused Wife